It's That Time of Year Again!!

Can you believe it?!?! Only 260 days left till Christmas! I am so excited. I can barely keep my stocking on. That's right. When my xmas stocking isn't being hung ceremoniously from my fireplace begging to be filled with luscious trinkets - signs of Saint Nick's love and devotion to me and no one else - it is adorning my right foot. Sometimes my left. It's important to alternate and share the Christmas love. I love Christmas.

Christmas is the time we reaffirm what matters in life, and that, of course, is out and out, holier than thou priggishness. All this hullabaloo monkey schmonkey about family, and Christ, and miracles, and three kings, and wise men, and being kind to your fellow man simply distracts from the real meaning of this glorious day: Keeping it in your pants. Isn't it obvious? The Virgin Mary was rewarded for being vestal. She was given a child. And not just any child mind you. She got the son of God. That lucky M of a S of a G.

I myself haven't done the deed in... it's been a while. And yes, that's right, it's because of Jesus. Of course you, like most, will now assume that means I'm some crazy religious fanatic and that's why I'm waiting for marriage. Well, phooey on you and your presumptive judginess. I'm not waiting for marriage; I'm simply waiting to be rewarded with Jesus's little brother.

I've been thinking of names and so far I've come up with Sofia for a girl and Stuart or Ricardo for a boy. Stuart Christ. Ricardo of SpaHa (if I decide to raise the kid here). I admit they're not perfect... What about Guillermo? I had a boss named Guillermo once. He owned the bar where I used to work. Nice guy. Big fan of porn. Really hardcore porn. On second thought, maybe not the best for a son of The Big Guy, eh? I've got it! God Jr. It's so perfect, I'm surprised He didn't use it the first go around. Mary's veto maybe? I won't hold it against her. She's kind of my hero. I mean she got married to Joseph and she STILL stayed a virgin. Ever think it's cause she didn't want to get pregnant? Just saying...

YAY Christmas. 260 days to go! I'm so psyched. A little more of not having sex and I'm totally gonna get preggers.