Countdown to 24.

In six minutes, I will be twenty-four. There are a lot of things I meant to accomplish before becoming 24, and now I'm really feeling the crunch. Can I publish a well-respected novel in less than six minutes? Uh oh. Five now. Dammit.

Here are some of the other things I've yet to do, which, by the way, I'd definitely planned to accomplish before this very day.

1. Become an international pop sensation.
2. Stop a forest fire (I may actually have done this, but I'll probably never know).
3. Fall in love in the requited sense. Yes, yes, I know. Sad, sad...
4. Hold down one job that made me feel truly important for more than one year.
5. Hold down one job that made me feel truly important for more than one day.
6. Learn to blow smoke rings.
7. Tear down the house with my karaoke stylings.
8. Score a date at the grocery store.
9. Streak. It's definitely too late now.
10. Cease getting pimples.
11. Appreciate red wine.
12. Skate backwards with speed and agility, but without fear of death.
13. Fully understand my car's internal combustion engine.
14. Sustain a relationship for longer than five months.
15. Learn to play guitar. Perform at an open mic night.
16. Incorporate words like "bollocks" and "cheeky" into my everyday vernacular.
17. Brave a Brazilian wax.
18. Cook a gourmet dinner (without getting seriously flummoxed and threatening to burn the house down).
19. Invent a new word, publish it three times, and call it a day.
20. Use a chainsaw. Saw stuff in half.
21. Correctly apply make-up to face.
22. Grow four more inches.
23. Successfully swim the butterfly stroke from one end of pool to other without looking like a dying seal.
24. Genuinely and whole-heartedly love Shakespeare.
25. Master an English accent. Convince total strangers I am British.
26. Have my shit, like, all of it, together.

It's now 12:34 AM, countdown is over, and it's time for bed. Goodbye early twenties and hello mids...

I hate everything about you, no offense.

"No offense" is the weirdest saying there is. Ever notice how it's always preceded by something incredibly mean or insensitive, but then the magic phrase comes around and you're, like, not allowed to be mad? In fact, if you do get mad, the other person will probably come back with, "Hey, I said no offense." Yes, but you also said I was an immature ugly-face. I chose to pay attention to that part of the sentence.

Next time someone tells you "no offense," remind them that two little words can't erase a sentence-full of meaning.




BE AWARE: Even if someone says "no offense,"
they still ARE offending you.


No offense is much like the expression "just kidding." This is another magic phrase that makes it your fault if your feelings get hurt because you can't take a joke. But "just kidding" actually means "and by the way, this is what I really think of you."

While just kidding allows you to mask your true feelings in the guise of a bad joke, this type of deceit is ultimately harmful. Here's an example:

-Do you think we should break up?
-Yes. I feel stifled. You're unbelievably controlling and a terrible lay. Just kidding.
-Haha. For a second there I thought you were serious.
-I was. (pause) Just kidding! Gotcha again!
-Oh Eddie!
-Oh Babette!
They smooch. (Seems nice, doesn't it? But just wait.)

Fifteen Years Later:

-I want a divorce.
-We can't get a divorce! We have two kids and a dog and a split-level house in the suburbs.
-I've wanted to break up with you since 1994.
-You always said you were kidding about that.
-It was just a line, Babette. Like, "Nothing would make me happier." When I say "nothing would make me happier," I am also lying.
-Oh I get it. So you actually hate visiting my parents?
-Yes.
-And taking me to the movie theater?
-Yes. But only because you always have to get up to pee, and then when you come back, you make me tell you what happened while you were gone, and then I always miss something pivotal, and it ruins the whole film.
-Eddie, why are you doing this? Just give me one reason.
-Don't take this personally, but I hate you in every way.
-No, I mean, why couldn't you have done this ten years ago when I was still cute and un-cynical? Now we're both forty pounds overweight and we have baggage and a mortgage. You prick! Why did you say "just kidding" all those years ago?
-I don't know. I was a spineless coward, I guess.
-No kidding. (pause) Haha.
-Haha.
-Maybe we should just stay together and be miserable. What's fifteen more years?
-Nothing would make me happier.


On the other hand, sometimes it's fun to tell someone it is personal even when it isn't:

-Do you know what time Billy's coming over?
-No, he didn't call me back yet.
-Oh.
-What?
-What? Nothing. Just... it's probably personal.

This is REAL! This is NOT a trick! Read on!!!!

Dear Danielle,

Your friendship means so much to me, and I do not say it nearly enough.

A friendship is like a beautiful flower that blooms both day and night,
And the sun above, showering us with love, and also heat and light,
Your friendship is like all these things from which I could not part,
Even though I forget you most of the time, you're always in my heart.

Pass this letter on to twenty of your closest friends in the next hour, including the person who sent it to you, and in one week, your heart's deepest desires will come true. (This really works! My friend did it and it changed her life!!)

If you send this letter to all your friends in the next hour, the love of your life will ask you out tomorrow and you will receive ten thousand dollars on your doorstep in the coming week.

If you don’t send this to twenty people in the next hour you will die an excruciating death and harm will befall everyone you care about. You will also never be loved by anyone and will never get married, or if you are already married, you will immediately get a divorce, and your worst enemy will be the one to end up with your true love. You will also lose all of your money and get run over by a car and then a dog will bite you on your face (leading to an infected wound, and later, your aforementioned excruciating death).

A woman in San Diego once sent this letter to thirty of her closest friends within forty-five minutes and in two days she was promoted from secretary to CEO of the company she worked for! Within three months she also met and married the man of her dreams!!

A man in Wesley, MA ignored this letter completely. Now he's dead. And handicapped.

Please pass this on to twenty of your friends and let them know how much they mean to you!!!!!!!!!!

Love your friend forever,
Michelle

P.S. Remember! If you don't send this you could die!