Global warming, global schwarming

Many out there (wrongly) believe that our earth is becoming warmer and warmer with each passing diesel truck. But how many of you have considered the far more likely and far scarier reality that the world, in only a matter of years, decades, centuries, millenniums, or days(!!), will face another devastating shift of our magnetic poles? That’s right. North will become South. Confederate will turn Yank. Yankees will become Marlins, the North Pole will be in Antarctica, and Australia will become, well, Australia. But the toilet will flush in the opposite OPPOSITE direction. And as we all know, a world in which we can’t predict the proper swirl of our poo is a very frightening world indeed.

There have already been nine polarity shifts in the history of planet Earth. Do you know how many “global warming” incidents there have been? If you said, “Not a one,” give yourself a nice ol’ pat on the back. If you said, “Uh. I don’t know. What’d’ you think, Frankie? Should we say one or two? Two’s a good number. I can count to two. One, two. Just like that. Okay, Imma say three,” punch yourself in the face.

My point is this: Instead of trying to prepare for something that may never happen, we need to be prepared for a day that already has happened nine times. Forget “scientific theory,” I’m talking common f’ing sense, people. The last magnetic pole reversal happened 740,000 years ago. So we're pretty freakin overdue.

In anticipation of that fateful and fast approaching day, here are 10 Tips to Help You Prepare for the 10th Polarity Shift of Earth:

1. Just turning your map upside down will not help. Unless you…
2. Learn to read upside-down.
3. Walking on your head will also be totally useless. But you should learn to walk backwards.
4. Come up with your market-savvy apocalypse-prevention toolkit NOW. Test out the product and ad campaign well ahead of time. Conduct focus groups. Explore color options. I always find pale yellow to be very calming, but of course the fourteen-year-olds will want something with a funky textile in hot pink polka dots or similar. Anticipate the demand for inside pockets lined in pleather leopard print, perfectly sized for holding lipstick, mascara, and/or crack vials. (This may be time to discuss dumping all teenagers into the erroneous North by South-Northerly region for the betterment of all human kind.)
5. FAQ: If North becomes South, does that mean East becomes West? No, idiot. “East” will still be called East, but it will be in the West. See how easy that is? What that means is those fuckers in Chicago will finally be getting the Northeast’s bad weather, and not the other way around. Take that Windy City.
6. People should feel free to invade Russia in the winter. But don’t try it in the summer or you will get fucked.
7. Many terrorist groups will have to alter their hate jargon and letterheads. There will be a lot of administrative costs.
8. Get into cartography NOW. You WILL make bank.
9. Move to the equator. Buy up all the good property in Brazil, Ecuador, and Peru. On second thought, just in case this whole “global warming” b.s. isn’t total bollix, stay inland.
10. In permanent marker, relabel your compass to reflect the new magnetic directions. You will need this to help you find the grocery store and gas station. Using a regular compass drunk will work just fine too.