Puppies are cuter. Fact.

Since I own ovaries (or perhaps simply since I'm a person), I'm supposed to like children and babies and all that. There's supposed to be this automatic insta-feeling of affection and protectiveness at the sight of tiny digits and bald heads, coupled with a searing love for wiping spit up and vomit from dribbling chins and my clothes – but the thing is, I don't feel it.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've babysat. The first time, my friend Jamie and I co-sat this 8-year-old monster named Adam. While I admired his energy (as one admires the power of a wrecking ball), his penchant for riding his dog like a horse and throwing things like pasta and sneakers at our foreheads birthed within me a fair amount of disdain for this inexhaustible, destructive mini-person. The second through last times babysitting were with a brother and sister I taught in karate class. They were actually okay, but only because all they wanted to do was spar me for four hours. I'm not sure their parents knew how we spent our time, or that they would have approved, but if you don't like kids much, being paid for four hours of fake beating them up isn't the worst thing ever.

I'm not unfeeling. I like puppies. I'm even impressed by puppies. Just hours out of the womb they can walk. They master their species' mode of communication in less time than it takes a baby to "goo" (meanwhile, all the formerly self-respecting adults gather round mimicking the 7-month-old: "Goo, uh goo goo! Goo. Goo da da doo doo goo.") And I'm sorry, but puppies are cuter. It's a fact. Don't lie to yourself; don't judge me; accept the truth and move on.

The wonderful thing about not liking children is that other people do like children. This gives me hope (I think it's hope) that the world will continue to exist: people will have babies, some men and women will willingly become kindergarten teachers and den mothers/fathers, medical students will go into pediatrics instead of plastic surgery, playgrounds will go on being fertile soil designed for play, and certain sugary, delicious cereals will still be manufactured specifically for children (whilst they are enjoyed by mature adults like me on the sly). You see, I do appreciate that the world is better off having children in it than not, just as I appreciate the world is better off for having bees than not. Bees' dutiful pollination far outweighs the occasional stinging. Likewise(ish), children create a marketplace for products I enjoy (glow-in-the-dark Band-Aids and Harry Potter, need I say more?), and some of them become adults later on in life that are actually kind of cool and fun to talk to, once they get passed their fourteen or so years of painful unimpressiveness, self-serving, unappreciative codependence, and unhygienic nose-picking.

But more than that, I love how things I don't much like, others like very much. If you don't like studying nonlinear calculus, you're hard-pressed to imagine why anyone else would like studying nonlinear calculus. But some people DO like studying nonlinear calculus, and thank goodness for that. I might not want to be a mathematician, but I do understand - if only quite vaguely - that nonlinear whatever contributes to the world and necessitates a few willing souls to resign themselves to the field. I would never ever want to live on a submarine, but some people DO. Huzzah! If not for these strange, self-specializing interests (in other words, if everyone liked the things I like and hated the things I hate), very little would ever be accomplished. The next generation of children would have far more room to walk through their school hallways, true, but there'd be a lot more stupid essays like this one, and no one wants that. What's more, techno music would become obsolete, every guest at your next celebratory event would just up and leave the dance floor whenever "The Electric Slide" began to play, and Tasti D-lite would refuse to give out any more free samples. We'd have a whole world filled with people who are afraid of heights and hate doing laundry, not to mention all the space shuttles that would never go off into space or the complete lack of medical, business, political, etc. suit-wearing professionals in the coming generations.

What does this have to do with babies? My open distaste for 0 to 14-year-olds and others’ fervent love for them is what brought on this whole epiphanous realization. Some people like children(/math/submarines/The Electric Slide). They really do. And thank heavens, I say. Cause it means I don't have to.

my love life is phooey.

HOW ROMANTIC ARE YOU?

Your Quiz Results: You are a hardheaded realist who sees the world pretty much as it is. No room for fantasy--you're practical to a fault. You might be seen as a cold fish when it comes to amorous notions. You're "thing oriented" rather than "people oriented." You may need to thaw out.

Gosh "fun" internet quiz. You've known me for 7 minutes, and you're already predicting a lifetime of unhappy and unsuccessful relationships. Gee, thanks for the encouragement and kind, supportive words... Asshole. Well, how's this for a comeback: you're a stupid internet quiz and you don't mean anything. Call me hardheaded? I'll show you hardheaded when you incarnate yourself into a person and then I head butt you in the gonads. How's that for romantic, huh?!?

I mean... love me.

- the cold fish