Tall, Gangly Dudes (TGDs)

I was once at some stuffy networking event with my good friend Emily, and we were standing in a sea of collar-up imbeciles feeling thoroughly lost and particularly hateful when we spotted a 6’3” skinny dude across the room. We immediately sidled over to him, assured that while everyone else there was a dick, this guy would be cool, by which I mean adverse to being cool, and therefore pretty damn cool. But he turned out to be a dick too. We were shocked. Rattled, in fact. We just didn’t get it. And yet, not knowing the guy at all, we also couldn’t figure out why his dickishness was so very shocking in the first place. We walked away towards the cheese platters, sulking.

“Man, I thought he’d be cool,” I said.

“I know,” Emily added. “I mean he’s so tall and gangly!”

That was it. Tall and gangly. Tall and gangly guys are the best. Besides that one bad egg, it’s almost a steadfast rule that tall, gangly dudes are where it’s at. But what is it about being tall and gangly that makes TGDs (Tall, Gangly Dudes) so great? It’s not just their constantly flailing limbs and generally comical physique. Their gangliness has somehow positively impacted their chi. My tall and gangly guy friends are all hilarious, they don’t take themselves too seriously, they’re refreshingly smart, they’re masters at trivial pursuit and all things trivial, and they’re just plain good guys. They’re kind of dorks, and kind of rock stars, and all comedians, and they all have secret stowed-away talents like musical genius or mad whittling skills or they just dominate at table football. And they all have kind of funny hair. Basically, they’re all kind of awesome. Except that one dude. He was a dick.

This is my theory. There’s nothing wrong with being tall and gangly, but if that describes you, you probably think you’re supposed to be 2-6 inches shorter and 20-60 pounds heavier. You probably think you’re not that desirable, when in fact, your gangly personality makes up for your spaghetti arms, lack of upper body strength, and razor sharp hip bones. Your desire to pack on an extra few pounds makes you more receptive to women who’d like to lose a few, which makes me like you, because I could lose a few, and you don’t seem to care. You’re simply not as superficial as those who are tall and toned, or short and toned, or toned in general, and you don’t have a complex like guys who are short and shrimpy, or just plain short, or overweight, or uber-muscular.

Yes, you are a bit silly looking. You’re a normal dude that got stretched. Your stomach is concave. You can wrap your long-ass fingers around your skinny-ass arms. But you’re also superhuman: you can devour whole pizzas and not gain a thing. In fact, you’ll be hungry again in an hour. And you can laugh about it. You don’t have low self-esteem, but you can rip on yourself like no other (which means others have trouble doing it for you). You generally have a lot of friends.

To be fair, I should mention that TGDs are often gross. Just like their naturally funny physique gives them a funnier personality, their knobby-need Gumbo look gives them (they think) free reign to be as disgusting as possible. Snot rockets, farting contests, and detail-ridden poop discussions might have died in middle school for most guys, but not TGDs. You might say it’s a downside, but I say not. Look, everyone farts. One day you will do so in front of your boyfriend, and if he is TG, he’ll look at you and not laugh or make a face or run away. He’ll say, “It’s about time,” and then challenge you to a duel.

In short, if you see a TGD, give him a chance. You might fear he’ll look better in your jeans than you do, but you’ll just have to get over it. He has. And if you’re a tall and gangly dude, don’t be a dick. It’s not in your nature, and it’s pretty disappointing to random people at networking events who’d expect more from you. Also, call me.