RECOGNIZING "BOY SPEAK": A letter to my senator.

Dear Senator,

Hello again. It’s been awhile. I’ve missed that adorable way you ignore my emails and my subtle suggestive winking on Match.com. Listen, I know I didn’t return your calls either, and I fear things are growing awkward between us. I admit I told you if you shaved your back I’d be more open to seeing you again. But you can’t tell me you shave your back, you just have to do it and pretend that’s the way God made you, don’t you get it? You have your secrets and I have mine. I’m not ready for anything more committal than that. Also, I hate the word “panties” so please stop using it. (I did enjoy the nighty though. How’d your secretary know to buy the leopard print? Send Sheila my thanks and also the duplicates from our weekend at the Cape.)

*Ehem* So, uh, yeah. This email actually has another purpose altogether…

Today I am writing to urge you to introduce a new bill into Congress, a bill that would force the United States government to recognize “Boy Speak” as an official language. Boy Speak is already the unofficial official language of nearly half of America, nay, half the world, and yet, for far too long we have been remiss in acknowledging it as such. Until we do, we will never have the much-needed tax-dollar funded task force of overeager former frat boy translators nor Boy Speak’s own picture dictionary of terms and phrases. And I need that dictionary, Senator. We all do.

For as long as Boy Speak remains so unstudied and un-understood, large pockets of our populace (namely, the female half) will continue to be severely and unnecessarily confused by their male counterparts. Official recognition of Boy Speak, like the legalization of marijuana or breaking and entering, would lead to better education, limited but necessary government legislation, and increased safety for all involved parties. Most notably, women would finally be able to understand men, and men might finally be able to understand themselves.

Boy Speak is composed of mostly the same words as the American English dictionary, less all words over three syllables, and is derived from roughly the same alphabet; however, crucial differences exist and must be duly noted. For example, onomonopea are used quite frequently in Boy Speak and often substitute for not only words, but whole sentences, sometimes even paragraphs. Beyond grunts, groans, and other audible movements of oxygen through the lungs, Boy Speak often employs everyday phrases to express alternate meanings. Such meanings are dependent on the time of day, present company, and blood-alcohol level. For example, at 10:00 AM on a Monday in the junior accountant wing of Ernst and Young, “I don’t know what I’m doing with my life right now,” is a genuine and seriously lamentable statement in Boy Speak. It is, in fact, fairly synonymous with the same phrase uttered in regular American English by any member of the human race. However, this same statement spoken at 12 midnight in the presence of a female after 2-6 beers is either a serious come on, meaning, “I have emotions; therefore, do me,” or the popular combined complement/patronizing let down, “I want to hook up with you now, but please don’t expect any sort of relationship slash follow up.” But how do you tell which is which? It’s all in the details. What seems trivial could be colossally misunderstood by the many of us who do not speak Boy. And there is a devastating lack of linguists dedicated to creating informative, reliable resources for the mono-gender-lingual among us.

Okay, you say, but what about the economic and geopolitical ramifications of recognizing Boy Speak as an official language? They are compelling, Senator. According to a recent Gallup poll, recognizing Boy Speak has a 99.8% approval rating. And the other .2% are happily married couples with great communication and 2.3 children, so fuck ‘em. Furthermore, several fully credible studies* have confirmed that recognition and increased literacy of Boy Speak could reduce our dependence on foreign oil, reduce the deficit, and settle a centuries old, Biblical beef between Israelis and Palestinians. Even the Christian Right and the Latte-Loving Left are in agreement on this issue, both proclaiming that recognizing Boy Speak is the most serious issue of our time, if only because we’re all trying to make an honest buck here, and I paid them 5 honest ones each before obtaining their statements.

Some may argue, I suppose, that if we are acknowledging the officiality of Boy Speak, we must also, to be fair, collect the same data and acquire the same official recognition of Girl Speak. Touché. My only fear in this is the temptation towards Girl to Boy Dictionaries and vice-versa leading to problematic direct translations. For example, a guy may think paying the check means he gets a little something-something later (don't deny it, Senator), and a girl may think a little something-something means "I love you," but if a man is actually asking for the check, saying, "I'm in love with you, Abigail," will only complicate matters and lead said couple in a direction they had not planned to go. Plus, there's still the matter of the unpaid bill. So I say, yes, both should be acknowledged, but one thing at a time.

Like a man needing to express himself who suppresses his emotions and subsequently develops an ulcer and high blood pressure, ignoring this issue does the nation more harm than good. Senator, I beg of you, lead this charge! Be the guy who changes the course of history – the next Webster. The next Dr. Phil. The next over-privileged, under-qualified dude who gets elected into some cool office with a cool circular-ish shape.

So sack up, grab your figurative ovaries, and get to work. And Senator, no hard feelings about the last time. It happens to all guys. Really.**

Most sincerely,
Your Lijey-poo.


*One. Not really credible. Get over it.
**Girl Speak Translation: "That was so embarrassing. I burned my sheets. Really." Also, it was green. Ga-ross! You should probably see a doctor.