Sex Ed 101

The following is a comedy sketch. Laugh.

We’re in a seventh grade classroom. A young, female teacher (ALICE) addresses her class.

ALICE: Raise your hand if you would like to have sex one day. Joey, raise your hand. Good boy. Now, raise your hand if you’ve had sex already. Joey, put your hand down. Okay. Well the talk about safe sex is quite antiquated. Very, very antiquated. And in my family what we do when the regular talking-talking isn’t working, is we yell. That’s right, we yell at each other. I mean we really go at it and say some rather hurtful things. And I’m not saying that it works. I’m just saying that it’s something that we do.

Today, since our nation’s regular talking-talking about the birds and bees doesn’t seem to be working either, I’m also going to try another method of communication. Actually, I’m not going to talk, or yell, in so much as I’m going to tell you a little story. Does that sound good to you? Joey, stop humping Annie.

Good. Ok. So I have a ‘friend’ who had sex that was not safe. In fact, not only was she not using a condom, but she was also in a car, not wearing a seat belt, going 90 miles per hour, and the engine was on fire. So what happened is that she got Chlamydia and crabs and herpes, and also a baby.

Now, what you may not know is that babies, like genital warts, don’t ever go away. In fact, most studies show that babies, most of the time, end up outliving the person who had the baby in the first place. This is scary. You should be scared. Basically, this means that babies, like Hepatitis B, are with you until the day you die. (she shudders)

Another alarming thing about babies is that as they get older, they get bigger. That’s right. A baby, like the cancer caused by HPV, will only grow with time. In fact, the longer you have a baby, the bigger it’ll get. And while we can all agree a baby in its initial form is bad, just like HIV, babies can develop into something far worse. I mean really, Joey. All you have to do is look in the mirror. Tissues, not fingers. How many times do I have to tell you?

Another fact: Babies are expensive, even more so than my friend’s monthly supply of Valtrex. And as babies get older and get bigger they also like to buy things. And these purchases, like the penile discharge caused by Gonorrhea, come in all sorts of varieties and colors. And they could be anywhere from two dollars to two hundred thousand dollars, if, let’s say, your baby decides it wants a BMW.

And the last thing that people all too often don't know about babies is that babies, much like herpes, make you vastly less attractive to the opposite sex. If you conceive a child, like contracting crabs, Syphilis, or genital warts, not even your dirty uncle will want to do it with you. You may never have sex again. That's right, Debbie, you little twelve-year-old whore. Never again.

So that’s my little story. A little food for thought, if you will. You should also be made aware that giving and receiving oral without the proper protection can magically turn genital herpes into oral, and vice versa, which also happened to my “friend”... BUT, you totally won’t get preggers. Which is why I do it all the time. And now if you'll turn to page 454 in you biology books, we're going to see how a nine-pound baby can rip apart your vagina.