"No offense" is the weirdest saying there is. Ever notice how it's always preceded by something incredibly mean or insensitive, but then the magic phrase comes around and you're, like, not allowed to be mad? In fact, if you do get mad, the other person will probably come back with, "Hey, I said no offense." Yes, but you also said I was an immature ugly-face. I chose to pay attention to that part of the sentence.
Next time someone tells you "no offense," remind them that two little words can't erase a sentence-full of meaning.
BE AWARE: Even if someone says "no offense,"
they still ARE offending you.
No offense is much like the expression "just kidding." This is another magic phrase that makes it your fault if your feelings get hurt because you can't take a joke. But "just kidding" actually means "and by the way, this is what I really think of you."
While just kidding allows you to mask your true feelings in the guise of a bad joke, this type of deceit is ultimately harmful. Here's an example:
-Do you think we should break up?
-Yes. I feel stifled. You're unbelievably controlling and a terrible lay. Just kidding.
-Haha. For a second there I thought you were serious.
-I was. (pause) Just kidding! Gotcha again!
-Oh Eddie!
-Oh Babette!
They smooch. (Seems nice, doesn't it? But just wait.)
Fifteen Years Later:
-I want a divorce.
-We can't get a divorce! We have two kids and a dog and a split-level house in the suburbs.
-I've wanted to break up with you since 1994.
-You always said you were kidding about that.
-It was just a line, Babette. Like, "Nothing would make me happier." When I say "nothing would make me happier," I am also lying.
-Oh I get it. So you actually hate visiting my parents?
-Yes.
-And taking me to the movie theater?
-Yes. But only because you always have to get up to pee, and then when you come back, you make me tell you what happened while you were gone, and then I always miss something pivotal, and it ruins the whole film.
-Eddie, why are you doing this? Just give me one reason.
-Don't take this personally, but I hate you in every way.
-No, I mean, why couldn't you have done this ten years ago when I was still cute and un-cynical? Now we're both forty pounds overweight and we have baggage and a mortgage. You prick! Why did you say "just kidding" all those years ago?
-I don't know. I was a spineless coward, I guess.
-No kidding. (pause) Haha.
-Haha.
-Maybe we should just stay together and be miserable. What's fifteen more years?
-Nothing would make me happier.
On the other hand, sometimes it's fun to tell someone it is personal even when it isn't:
-Do you know what time Billy's coming over?
-No, he didn't call me back yet.
-Oh.
-What?
-What? Nothing. Just... it's probably personal.
5 comments:
dear lijah,
your face is probably personal. and offence-ing. (that's right, not offending, offencing). that is all.
from,
whitney
p.s. i heart your blog.
Dear Lijah,
I've been a bad friend and haven't kept in touch. It's probably personal. I haven't visited you in LA yet. It's probably personal. It has nothing to do with the fact that I have no money or vacation time. It's personal, as in, personally malicious towards you, personally. I also haven't bought you a car, house, or male prostitute. These things are also personal. I'm really sorry...just kidding.
xoxox
love,
Jennifer Spiffles
Minty: I've been trying to find my thesis advisor but he's not in his office and he isn't answering my e-mails.
Lijah: It's probably personal.
At least that's how I remember it.
actually, it was:
Minty: I called JC the other day and left her a message and she still hasn't called back. :(
Me: It's probably personal.
(I like to be supportive of my friends...)
Thanks for reading, Maro!!!
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